Build Relationships with Youth
Take time to get to know each youth. Teenagers will be teenagers and are by nature restless, hyper, and noisy persons. Accept youth as the silly, noisy people they are. Learn to see their sensitive, enthusiastic, eager side which needs the nurturing of a caring adult. As you build relationships with each youth, and they feel that you appreciate and accept them, you will find a mutual trust and respect growing. Youth are much more responsive to the guidance, advice and even discipline of those they view as caring. “Youth don’t care what you know until the know that you care.” When unacceptable behavior occurs, (and it will definitely occur from time to time) it is rarely a personal attack directed toward you. It is simply a symptom of a deeper problem that a teenager might have. Behavior is always a symptom of something else. Always try to find the root causes of the behavior. When you handle the root, the behavior of the youth will change. Be careful not to embarrass a teen in front of their peers. The result will be more problems with that student. Discipline youth in private if at all possible. Create a positive but firm relationship. When you have a positive relationship with youth, often, a simple touch, look, or quick remark to quiet down is usually enough to get things moving in a positive direction again.

Create a Positive Environment for Youth
Be proactive rather than reactive. To encourage promptness, start with a “bang”. To fight the teenagers’ tendency to be late, start on time. Don’t react by running after youth, scream, or remind them of the time to get started. Instead, be proactive and start each meeting with a quick activity that will grab the attention of the youth. Youth are talkative and full of energy so instead of trying to react and calm them down, keep them actively involved throughout the programs with a variety of activities and opportunities for them to interact, to express themselves, and to release their energy. Make the youth programs positive and upbeat with a wide selection of activities that are exciting and fun, game oriented, and concise.

Guide Rather than Tell
Never tell a youth anything he can discover for himself! We all learn more by doing rather than listening. Personal discovery is much more powerful than being given the answers. When we discover things for ourselves we make them our own truth.

Be Firm with a Good Measure of Grace
At one extreme are youth leaders who are “Drill Sergeant”s and “Dictators”. At the other extreme are the “Pushovers”, the youth leaders without a backbone. While there may be times for various responses, the most effective youth leaders lie somewhere in between. Being strict won’t get the results you want; nor will being unstructured. We don’t always give youth what they want, but what they need because sometimes they are unaware of what they really need themselves. When discipline is called for we must always seek to rehabilitate, to guide youth toward positive growth rather than to simply punish. There are times when a firm hand is needed, and there are times when grace is needed. Explain what you see as the problem and encourage the teens to help come up with a solution.

Be Realistic but Encouraging Positive Growth
Remember that teenagers’ abnormal behavior is almost always normal. Their behavior is only a temporary phase youth pass through on the way to adulthood. In time they will grow out of it. While we must love them as they are, we must love them enough to not leave them as they are. And when it is hard to love them as they are, we must love them for what they can be. As adult youth leaders we need to help youth get better acquainted with who they are and who they are becoming in Christ.

Set Boundaries and Expectations for Youth
Together with the youth, as a group decide what is and is not objectionable behavior, and set specific limits accordingly. Boundaries should be empowering rather than simply inhibiting. When the students help make the rules, they break them less frequently. Once the limits are set, the youth should know and agree to the limits. But also remember that youth will forever be testing the boundaries in an attempt to discover which boundaries are firm and which ones are flexible. It’s not a rejection of the boundaries but an attempt to establish their own boundaries and find a place to stand. Always know why the boundary exists and be able to explain the rationale for it. Youth also need to recognize that there are often very real consequences for crossing over boundaries and reasons they are placed where they are. Like the edge of a cliff there will be some that want to get as close to the edge as possible for the thrill, but they risk falling over the edge and getting hurt in the process. We need to help them recognize where the boundaries are and help them to walk a comfortable distance away from them. Allow, as much as possible, for freedom and flexibility within the limits set. However, “no” must be taken seriously, not as a “maybe.”

Appropriate Responses to Youth Behavior
Build a good healthy respect for youth into your discipline. Never embarrass a youth in front of his peers. When there are problems, try to deal with a youth alone. Never attack the person, only the behavior. Rewards and punishments must be appropriate and aimed to encourage positive behavior while discouraging negative behavior. Both the “stick” and the “carrot” are effective and have their moments, but we should not go to the extremes of bribery for positive behavior and getting revenge for negative behavior. When a youth breaks a rule, don’t overreact with harshness, but correct the problem with compassion. Students need to know what will happen when a rule is broken and the consequences must be fair and fit the action.

Free Expression for Youth
Structure activities in which the young people are free to express themselves without judgement. Provide other perspectives (including the Biblical perspective) and other ways to view things without labeling the youth as wrong. When the truth is clear and the choices are presented to them in a no judgmental way most youth will correct themselves. But when threatened youth are more likely to be defensive, rebellious, or even confrontational. Use group-building exercises to let students be talkative and noisy within an orderly context. Youth will appreciate the opportunity to express themselves. You will appreciate the the fact that some energy can be released in a positive way.

Actively Involve the Youth
Allow your youth to help you plan and implement activities. The more ownership youth have in the event, the less discipline problems you’ll have. Involvement and responsibility creates commitment. Whether your youth group is large or small your functions should include a variety of activities that cater to a variety of energy levels and interests, especially with younger youth. During discussions, break up the youth into small groups so no one is left out. Often youth who don’t get involved are the ones who cause the most problems. Also be conscious of transitions. Move smoothly and quickly from one activity to another. When a lag occurs between activities, problems tend to occur.

Actively Involve Caring Adults
When other adults are included they bring with them a variety of gifts, leadership styles, and personalities. A few adults seated among the youth can help maintain control of the group without attracting a lot of attention. Some are better at disciplining without harshness. Some are respected by the youth already. The youth will respond to them well when these leaders must “have a talk” with them.

What to Do with Unacceptable Behavior
You cannot allow one youth to spoil the event for everyone. If a teenager senses you are sincere about your frustration, he usually will respond in a positive manner. If further disruption continues, be prepared to take harsher action in love, if necessary.

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With teens, abnormal behavior is almost always normal and only a temporary phase they pass through on the path toward adulthood. Remember your own teen years, be flexible and keep a good sense of humor.

Discipline is from the word “disciple” which means “learner”. Therefore discipline is leading a person into self-control through instruction and example. It is not the same as punishment. Punishment may be a part of discipline as it is a means to control behavior when a person is unable to exercise self control. Our goal is the internal control of the teen instead of the external control of the teacher.

Preventive discipline

I. Set reasonable limits

1. Decide what is and what is not objectionable behavior and set specific limits accordingly. Consider the age and needs of youth.
2. Youth should know and agree to the limits and have some limited room for negotiation. Allow, as much as possible, for freedom and flexibility within the rules set. Like bargaining for a price it is best to set your price too high and bargain down to where you
   want. In the end both parties feel that have a gotten a good deal! If youth help make the rules they break them less frequently.
3. Be careful not to set too many rules. Decide which battles are worth fighting and save your resources for the battles that are really important.

II. Establish consequences

1. Avoid threats.
2. Once limits are set, don’t budge on them. Youth are continually testing limits to see how far they push them. They want freedom but they also want limits that are firm. It gives them security. Yet they must also know what will happen when a rule is broken. They WILL break them at times even to just see if you will follow through.
3. Consequences should be edifying, consistent, fair and fit the action. Don’t play favorites. Build a good healthy respect for youth in discipline. Never embarrass a youth in front of peers. Deal with them alone and attack the behavior, not the person.

III. Create the right atmosphere

1. Set a positive tone to your relationship. Notice and affirm appropriate behavior. If you spend most of your time affirming you will need to spend little time correcting. Affirmation & encouragement are inspiring. Criticism is largely self defeating.
2. Youth can tell if you are a drill sergeant, a pushover or someone in between. Being too strict is a mistake but so is being too lenient. A happy balance must be established so that youth are allowed free expression as their talkative high energy selves within an orderly context.
3. Correct with compassion instead of harshness.
4. Avoid the use of labels to characterize youth such as “naughty”, “bad”, “good”, “lazy”, “slow”, etc.

IV. Eliminate conditions which cause behavior problems 

1. Conditions leading to discipline problems may be internal, external, temperament, developmental or symptomatic:
   • Poor student/ teacher ratio
   • The room being too hot or too cold
   • The room being too crowded
   • The room having too many distractions
   • Make sure activities involve everyone. Often youth who aren’t involved are the ones that create the most problems.
   • Move smoothly and quickly between activities. When a lag occurs between activities, problems tend to occur.
   • Arrive early, prepared, and ready to start. Start with a “bang” to encourage promptness. Fight teens’ tendency to be late by starting on time. Start meetings with a quick activity that will grab their attention instead of running after them, wasting your time trying to round them up.
   • Use positive clear directions. If youth are unclear of instructions then tend to be disruptive.
   • High sugar at beginning of sessions

V. Build relationships
Youth are more likely to respond to someone who respects them as individuals and whom they have grown to respect. Get to know all youth, especially those tending toward behavioral problems. Accept their silly, noisy sides and direct their high energy into appropriate outlets. Accept feelings and high energy they cannot control but seek to stop disruptive, annoying, and destructive behavior.

VI. Plan high energy programs
Youth have an attention span in minutes approximately equal to their age in years. Good meetings are positive, upbeat, and have a wide range of activities that are exciting and fun, game oriented, and concise.

VII. Plan with youth
The more ownership youth have in an event, the less discipline problems you will have.

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1. take at least 2 hours a week and disciple me, train me in all areas of ministry, hold me accountable, be honest even when it hurts, correct me, and encourage me.
2. ask for my input on decisions that affect my ministry.
3. recognize the need to communicate more with me.
4. understand that a lack of planning on his part does constitute an emergency on my part.
5. see the youth as a vital force of the church now, not just in the future.
6. dedicate more time in building a personal relationship with me and not just a working relationship.
7. allow me to focus more on youth ministry and not so much on associate duties.
8. be more relevant in his thinking so we could reach more people effectively.
9. cast more vision to the staff as a whole and not keep us guessing where his heart is.
10. grant more freedom to spend money on effective youth ministry outreaches and events that have eternal rewards.
11. feel a freedom to delegate more ministry to lay leaders to take pressure off the staff.
12. spend more time focusing on the ministry within the church than on his golf game.
13. be more compassionate toward people.
14. live what he preaches.
15. show more respect to his wife in public.
16. be more relevant by not restricting the youth ministry from using multimedia in presenting the gospel.
17. plan ahead and not overwhelm me with too many responsibilities, thus respecting my time.
18. affirm me more.
19. not take me for granted.
20. have more of a spirit of excellence pertaining to his ministry and leadership to others.

Taken from an informal poll received on a youth pastors Email list serve

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