Category Archives: Humor

Ken’s favorite jokes and funny stories to tickle your funny bone and bring a smile to face. They also add a little life to your youth talks

The Easiest Part Of Being A Mother Is Giving Birth

For the first four or five years after I had children, I considered motherhood a temporary condition – not a calling. It was a time of my life set aside for exhaustion and long hours. It would pass. Then one afternoon with three kids in tow, I came out of the supermarket pushing a cart (with four wheels that went in opposite directions) when my toddler son got away from me.

Just outside the door, he ran toward a machine holding bubble gum in a glass dome. In a voice that shattered glass, he shouted, “Gimme! Gimme!” I told him I would gimme him what-for if he didn’t stop shouting and get in the car. As I physically tried to pry his body from around the bubble gum machine, he pulled the entire thing over. Glass and balls of bubble gum went all over the parking lot. We had now attracted a crowd. Donna Reed would have brushed away his tears and granted him absolution on the spot. I wasn’t Donna Reed. I told him he would never see another cartoon as long as he lived, and if he didn’t control his temper he was going to be making license plates for the state. He tried to stifle his sobs as he looked around at the staring crowd. Then he did something that I was to remember the rest of my life. In his helpless quest for comfort, he turned to the only one he trusted his emotions with – me. He threw his arms around my knees and held on for dear life. I had humiliated him, chastised him and berated him, but I was still all he had. That single incident defined my role. I was a major force in this child’s life. Sometimes we forget how important stability is to a child. I’ve always told mine, “The easiest part of being a mother is giving birth. The hardest part is showing up for it each day.”

This is traditionally the day when children give something back to their mothers for all the spit they produced to wash dirty faces, all the old gum their mothers held in their hands, all the noses and fannies that were wiped, and all the bloody knees that were ” made well” with a kiss. This is the day mothers are rewarded for washing all those sheets in the middle of the night, driving kids to school when they missed the bus and enduring all the football games in the rain. It’s appreciation day for making them finish something, not believing them when they said, “I hate you,” and for sharing their good times and their bad times. Their cards probably won’t reflect it, but what they are trying to say is “Thank you for showing up.”

Erma Bombeck, BEING A MOM MEANS YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP. , St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 05-09-1993, pp 12C.

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Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

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Job Advertisement

JOB ADVERTISEMENT!!

The Kingdom of God is hiring!
Are you ready to apply? Do you qualify?

JOB TITLE:
Disciples for Christ

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Tell the dying world how to live through Jesus Christ

NUMBER OF AVAILABLE POSITIONS:
Unlimited; everyone is welcome–preachers, teachers, singers, musicians, missionaries, custodians, food servers, and numerous others that we just can’t list them all here

EXCEPTION TO AVAILABLE POSITIONS:
The vacancy of BOSS has already been filled by the Holy Spirit

QUALIFICATIONS:
Must have previously sinned and been blood washed; must be willing to press toward the mark of the high calling in Christ Jesus

EXPERIENCE NEEDED:
None necessary; experience will be earned through on-the-job training

EDUCATION:
The Holy Spirit will teach you all things

BENEFIT PACKAGE/SALARY:
God (the employer) shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus

Medical Aid Insurance:
Access to the Master Physician Plan

PACKAGE ALSO INCLUDES:
Love, joy, peace, patience, long suffering; Lawyer, Comforter, and a Wonderful Counsellor

RECOMPENSE FOR COMPLETING THE JOB ASSIGNMENT:
The most important benefit, ETERNAL LIFE with the employer.

DEADLINE FOR APPLICATIONS:
Before the return of Jesus Christ; date/hour not known; wise to apply TODAY, RIGHT NOW

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Great Men of God

It was a warm summer day. Two elders decided to invite one of the deacons to their weekly fishing trip. The deacon was excited and decided to go. When they were all in the boat and the boat was well out in the middle of the lake one elder said, “Oh no, I forgot my fishing rod. Wait here while I go get it.” The elder walked out across the lake all the way back to his car and walked back across the water to his boat.

The deacon was amazed at this great feat. But that was nothing. The second elder said, “Oh no, I forgot the bait.” So just like the first elder he stepped out of the boat, walked across the water, went back to the car, got the bait, and then walked back to the boat. The deacon was in great amazement now. He was thinking, “Gee, these must really be great men of God to be able to walk across the water.”

Then the deacon remembered that he forgot his hooks. He told the elders that he did not have his hooks and that he was going back to the car to get them. The elders did not say anything so the deacon took a deep breath, stepped out of the boat, into the water and sank to the bottom of the lake. Then the first elder looked at the second elder and said, “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?”

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Old Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mommy, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s clothes”

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Cowboy’s Guide to Life

DON’T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON: A COWBOY’S GUIDE TO LIFE
by Texas Bix Bender

  • Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
  • There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
  • Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
  • If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
  • Never ask a man the size of his spread.
  • After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
  • If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
  • Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
  • It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
  • Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
  • If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
  • When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  • When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
  • Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
  • Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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Don’t Walk

A little old lady in New York for the first time, crossed Times Square against traffic and somehow managed to make it safely to the opposite curb, where a traffic cop was glaring at her with strong disapproval. “Didn’t you see that sign?” he asked.

“What sign?” the lady asked.

The policeman pointed at the flashing warning on the traffic signal, “DON’T WALK.”

“Oh I saw it all right,” the lady said, “but I thought it was an ad for a bus company.”

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Angry?

One man had such a problem with anger that he stopped driving and started taking the bus to work. One morning he overslept and had to drive. When he opened the garage door he saw that the rear wall–the one his teen-aged son smashed when he stepped on the gas pedal instead of the brake–hadn’t been fixed. He was angry with the carpenter he had hired to make the repairs. In a rage he ran into the house and telephoned the carpenter. “You said that you would have it fixed by noon yesterday,” he stormed.

“Let me ask you one question,” said the carpenter quietly. “Did your son drive the car in the afternoon?”

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Youth Minister Performance Rating

Far exceeds require -ments Exceeds Require -ments Meets Require- ments Needs some improve -ment Does not meet minimum requirements
Adapta -bility Leaps tall obstacles with a single bound Must take running start to leap over obstacles Can leap over small obstacles only Crashes into obstacles when attempting to leap over them Cannot recognise obstacles at all
Responsive -ness Is faster than a speeding bullet Is as fast as a speeding bullet Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet Would you believe a slow bullet Usually wounds self with bullet
Character Strength Is stronger than a herd of bulls Is stronger than several bulls Is stronger than one bull Shoots the bull Gored by the bull
Spiritual Maturity Walks on water consistently Walks on water in emergencies Swims in water Washes in water Drowns
Enthusiasm and Influence Enthralls huge crowds Enthralls his congrega -tion Interest his congrega -tion Only his wife listens to him Not even his wife listens
Communica -tion Talks with God Talks with the angels Talks with himself Argues with himself Loses argument with himself

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Coming or Going?

One day, a cattle farmer heard one of his cows lowing out in the field behind the barn. It sounded like she was in hard labor. He went out, and, sure enough, it was a breech birth. He tried to turn the calf around, but it was too late–the legs were already coming out. The only thing he could do was pull on the legs to assist in the birth. This field was right next to the roadside, and a red Mercedes stopped, and a man jumped out “May I assist?” The farmer replied, “Yes, please! Grab a leg and pull!”

So they both pulled, and they were able to get the calf out. The farmer, very grateful, said, “Wait a minute while I run back and get my wallet–I owe you for this.”

“Oh, no, I wouldn’t dream of accepting anything for this service. However, there is one question you can answer for me.”

“Anything!” the farmer said.

“How fast was the little one going when it ran into the big one?”

Sometimes in life we get so busy and the pace of life becomes so fast that we wonder whether we are coming or going. Slow down.. take time to enjoy the new life you have been given in Christ.

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Where I Came from

As she tucked her little girl into bed, it happened…

“Mommy,” the little girl pleaded, “where did I come from?” The mother sighed and cleared her throat before speaking.
“Well, honey. I knew some day you’d ask mommy this question,”and for the next fifteen minutes, she explained the facts of life in great detail to her daughter. “There now Honey. Do you understand?” “Well,” the sleepy little girl replied, “I think so.” “Why’d you ask anyway Darling?” the mother probed. “Oh, Johnny next door said he was from Boston so I just wondered where I came from.”

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This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!