A middle-aged woman posted her Christmas wish list on the refrigerator door so her husband would be sure not to miss it.

Rather than listing certain items of desire, she simply wanted her husband to use a little romantic creativity and so requested, “this year, get me something that will make me look beautiful for you.”

When Christmas rolled around, she expected to open a package with some expensive clothing inside. To her surprise, he gave her an exercise bike.

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

Seasons Greetings

The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that email does not support typeface control]

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

• The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
• The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. [The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French]
• The [four calling birds] were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
• The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
• The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
• The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
• As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
• Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
• Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
• Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Source Unknown

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

The rumor is confirmed. The big guy, CEO of Santa, Inc., has resigned. He will Ho Ho Ho no more, at least, not in any official capacity. SheepTrax Undercover investigators have obtained a journalistic exclusive, a copy of Santa’s shocking resignation letter. Fans of the big elf, read it and weep. – Editor.

---

Dear Jesus, Effectively immediately, I have disbanded the Board of Directors and hereby resign as CEO of Santa, Inc. We are hereby dissolved.

Bluntly, I’ve been a fraud. While we both know December 25th isn’t really your birthday, it was still kind of cool that people took one special day a year to honor you with gifts like those Magi did so long ago. When we started, I simply wanted to honor you, too.

Sure, I started well enough. I just wanted in on the action, blessing kids and all. But you always got the attention. It was all about you! I froze my jolly tail off year after year being your glorified delivery boy and for what? A plate of stale cookies and fighting with cats for an occasional glass of sour milk? My unheated sled wasn’t even equipped with a golden parachute! You try bolting around this miserable little planet dodging jets, terrorist missiles, and slack-jawed hunters drooling the word, “venison!”

The Santa gig got old. Over time, I simply soured inside, and began devising a hostile takeover coup of Christmas. I can admit now. I wanted to be you. I don’t know where I ever picked up a copy of Judas’ bestseller, How To Write Your Own Ticket With God but he was my inspiration, my guide for the journey to the dark side of Christmas.

Being CEO of Santa, Inc. was a dream job, at first anyway. I worked a whopping one day a year, did oodles of PR work schmoozing with celebrities, and headed my own private army of displaced mindless munchkins who did my bidding with no union interference. Bill Gates should do as well.

Somehow, I got jealous of all the attention you received. Manny Mammon stepped in and helped engineer our break with you, supplanting you with me as CEO. Funny thing, but for a while our holiday hijacking worked. My name was in lights. Kids read about me, idolized me, and wanted to be me. I was the star of my own Christmas Pageant! But conscience came calling.

One recent Christmas Eve, during the final moments of the pre-launch countdown, I was double-checking my Naughty and Nice lists. Hackers had tried to infiltrate our mainframe and play havoc with the gift list. Our new Anti-CyberTerrorism division intercepted their little ploy and responded with our new “Lump of Coal” hard drive-melting virus. Hey, an elf’s gotta do what an elf’s gotta do.

Anyway, I suddenly remembered that you have the original Master Naught and Nice lists. You really do know who is sleeping and who is awake. While it’s part of my corporate vision statement, without your guidance, the truth is I was only guessing. In a moment of blinding clarity, I realized that I screwed the whole Christmas gig up for everyone. It’s not about you anymore. It’s not even about me. It’s about Mammon and Greed and promoting everything I once stood against. I have become what I hated.

I realized which of your lists I was on and began to weep.

I went incognito to the Mall of America and listened to my theme songs droning on and on over the intercom system. I was hoping to hear even one hymn, one song of worship; Silent Night even. Alas, nothing but jungles and reindeer drinking songs. I’m the guy who killed Christmas.

Jesus, I stabbed you in the back and have finally come to see I am not at all a jolly good fellow, but more of a Goodfellow. I’m just a red-suited, black-booted thug. I sinned. Please forgive me.

The reindeer were released back into the wild, which should make those tree-hugging buffoons at PETA rejoice. I’ve subcontracted the elves out to a multi-national conglomerate in Japan. They rock at making PlayStations. Perhaps I’ll open an Elves Big & Tall Shoppe, or shave and do Sumo wrestling. I don’t know. Somehow, I have to stop the insanity of X-Mas. Any ideas? Is there any way to put Christ back in Christmas?

I royally screwed up. Sorry.

Your broken-hearted pal,

Kriss Kringle, a.k.a. Santa Claus

Bryan Hupperts © 2003 – 2008
You may freely copy and forward this material provided it is not for resale or profit. All right reserved. www.sheeptrax.com/xpress

Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!
=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

• For his years of ministry, our departing pastor, the Reverend Johnson was presented with a plague. (plaque)
• Plan not (now) to attend the Easter Musical, April 14th.”

• Inflatable Dart Board
• Waterproof teabags
• Helicopter Ejection seat
• Screen door on a submarine
• Transparent Blackout drapes
• Recycled Toilet Paper
• Non reflecting mirror
• Solar Powered Flashlight

Others?

LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whutcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits th farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in th winter tym
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter tym
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur the left over munchies go, Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and nifes
MOUSE: What eats th grain in th barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up th barn ruuf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c’mon in y’all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife ask

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