Category Archives: Humor

Ken’s favorite jokes and funny stories to tickle your funny bone and bring a smile to face. They also add a little life to your youth talks

The Night Before Christmas – Texas Style

Twas the night before Christmas, In Texas you know,
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.
Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds,
For this was Texas, What more need be said?
When all of a sudden from out the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright!
And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run.
The driver was “whistling” and “shouting” with a will,
The “Horses” (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.
“Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right”
There’ll be plenty of travelin’ for you-all tonight..
The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red,
Had a 10 gallon Stetson on the top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
with his beard so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.
And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper “Are you really Santa Claus?”
“Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink.
Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl,
TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS-MERRY CHRISTMAS YEE HAW!

Written by Leon A. Harris in 1952

Get Creative Youth Ideas: "Christmas Collection" ebook Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!
=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

Christmas Church Sign

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the “message” he wanted and the “dimensions” needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later… “Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide.”

[Source: Forwarded to Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysfunnies.com) by Scott Sanderson]

 

Get Creative Youth Ideas: "Christmas Collection" ebook Christmas Collection
Games and Activities helping youth discover the Reason for the Season.Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!
=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

Not Everything Is What It Seems

Two nuns were taking a long drive down a isolated country road to visit a friend when they ran out of gas. Since they were a long way from the nearest city, they decided to walk across a field to a nearby farmhouse to get some help. The farmer gratiously agreed to give them some gasoline but he couldn’t find a container to put it in. After turning the barn upside down he finally found an old bedpan that was a little but could be used to hold some gasoline. The desperate nuns were willing to take the gasoline in the bedpan and walked back across the field to their car.

As they were pouring the gasoline into the car from the bedpan, a farmer drove by on his tractor and stopped. “Excuse me sisters,” he said. “I am not a very religious man, but I can’t help admiring your faith.”

While humorous, the story also reminds me of a few spiritual truths:

  1. Don’t judge the contents by the container.
    • “But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)
    • “Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment.”(John 7:24)
  2. Our actions can be interpreted in different ways by observers but God will rightly judge our actions.
    • God “will give to each person according to what he has done.” (Romans 2:6)
    • “Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” (Galatians 6:4-10)
  3. Observations are not always accurate.
    • “Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.” (1 Corinthians 4:5)

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

For Sale? Funny UK Classified Ads

These classified ads supposedly actually appeared in UK Newspapers.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little dog.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything..

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Misconceptions about Worship

We often have a lot of misconceptions about worship.

For a long time my idea of worship was what I saw in church in my small town in Poteet, Texas. I grew up initially in a Methodist church. When we sang, we sang the first, third and fifth verses. A friend of mine in a Presbyterian church only sang the first and fourth verses. When I was old enough to drive – age 16, I attended a Baptist church. They sang all the verses most of the time, but usually split the congregation into women and men on different verses.

So, the difference for me and worship was the difference between Methodists and the Presbyterians and the Baptists; the Methodists had the third verse, the Presbyterians cut that one out, The Baptist had them all, but only the women were allowed to sing some of them. Then there was the Church of Christ right next door to the Baptist church. They sang the same songs, but didn’t have any music. And there were also the charismatics, they not only had music, but they danced!

There was also a difference in Communion. In the Presbyterian and Methodist church you went forward to receive communion. In the Baptist church they brought it to you then passed around a bag and asked for a tip! At the Catholic Church down the street, you weren’t even allowed to touch it and were fed by a priest.

Methodist preachers tended to be boring and monotone. The Baptist preachers seemed to think the congregation was hard of hearing and shouted a lot. In the charismatic churches, the congregation seemed to talk as much as the pastor!

Yet, these were not worship, but merely differences in how worship was expressed.

What is worship to you? Would love to hear your definitions of worship.

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Kid’s Instructions for Life

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12

Never smart-off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7

Don’t flush the toilet when your dad’s in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

Don’t ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
Michael, Age 14

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving.
Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12

Remember you’re never too old to hold your father’s hand.
Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8

 

Get Icebreakers ebookIcebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Worst Mother’s Day Gifts from Youth and Husbands

Mother’s Day can be a wonderful celebration, but it is also a very dangerous day for youth and fathers. The biggest peril is buying a Mother’s Day Gift. After all, everyone is supposed to know what she wants. Unfortunately, it’s not always so easy.

So, whether you are a youth or the husband, here are some Mother’s Day gifts to avoid. Of course there are mothers who do love some these gifts, but for the most part, the rest of the world’s mothers would be delighted if you carefully avoid them.

Hopefully this list will keep you out of trouble, but then again, mother’s also have this uncanny desire to be different, to be an exception to the norm, sometimes just to keep you guessing.

Of course, regardless of what you get her, she’ll tell you how much she loves it. After all, she’s your mom. But later, when you are out of site, she’ll wonder why her son or daughter or husband couldn’t think of something more personal.

Mother’s Day Gifts that Youth to Avoid

Anything Vaguely Related to Weight
No matter how much mom talks about wanting to lose weight, Mother’s Day is NOT the day to give her a loving hand with her love handles. Forget the diet books, the exercise equipment, the membership to the slimming salon. Nothing says “I love you, Mom” quite like anything that hints at weight loss, getting healthier, or looking better. Stay away from anything designed to let her know where she could use a little improvement.

HINT: Don’t use Mother’s Day to buy a mom a scale, a tape measure, or anything that even vaguely suggests that mom is not incredibly beautiful just the way she is!

Clothes
Clothes are a lose-lose situation. If they are too small, she’ll think she’s fat because she can’t wear them. If they are too big then she’ll be offended that you think she is so fat. And don’t event mention colors and fashion.

HINT: Clothes are best avoided at all costs unless you taker her shopping!

Anything for the Bathroom
The rose scented bubble bath that you bought her last year is still under her bathroom sink, unopened. So is the one from the year before that. Scented soaps and bath gels carry a subtle hint that mom stinks and needs to bathe more often. And, you will be grown and have youth of your own long before mom finds the time for a relaxing soak in a Bubble Bath!

HINT: Avoid bath soaps, shampoo, bubble bath, and shower gels

Cleaning Supplies
While mothers often complain about how much easier it would be to clean the house if they had the new Tornado 2000 vacuum cleaner that sucks up every speck of dust in sight, or that new self-wringing mop from the infomercial on late night TV, Mother’s Day is not the day to entertain her cleaning needs. Anything used to clean doesn’t say “I love You, Mom” but instead hints that she isn’t doing enough around the house to clean up after the youth and kids. Even though you are trying to get her something to lighten her workload, the last thing she wants to be reminded of on Mother’s Day is that she is the same level as a live in maid.

HINT: Why not clean the entire house for your mom on Mother’s Day. She might pass out in shock, but at least she’ll have a smile on her face.

Household Appliances
Don’t give mom gifts that make her work harder. Mother’s Day is about appreciation and relaxation, not cleaning appliances and sanitation. Its not about a new washer, a steam cleaner, a sewing machine, and most certainly not about the new iron. And if you are replacing something that’s broken — it doesn’t even count as a Mother’s Day gift. Giving appliances for Mother’s Day is like your boss giving you work to take home on the weekend.

HINT: Surprise her with the appliances on another day of the year, just to say “I love you.” And instead of simply presenting it to her all wrapped up in a box, take it out, use it to get the job done, then tie a bow on it. Mom will love that you helped out more than the fact that you got her a gift.

Things for the Kitchen
Just because mom admired the new turbo toaster that not only toasts but also butters the bread, doesn’t mean that mother’s day is the her special day to get one. After all, how often does she make toast for herself? Sure, these appliances might make her life a little easier in the kitchen, but you’re the one she cooks for anyway!

HINT: Avoid anything that hints at the kitchen – bread makers, knives, food processors, blenders, can openers, salt and pepper shakers, pots, pans, aprons are best avoided. Surprise her with them on another day!

Something on Your Personal Wishlist
Mother’s Day is not the day to kill to birds with one stone. Who’s going to spend the most time glued in front of the new 3D LCD TV? Nor do they want sports equipment, or anything for a car. If you are a youth who already has a driver’s licence, why not take her shopping.

HINT: Moms don’t want basketballs, sports shoes, soccer balls, new windshield wiper blades, floormats, unless they have a true passion for such things.

Anything that’s Alive and Needs Mom’s Help to Stay Alive!
If it poops, slithers, or crawls and needs to eat or drink, it is probably not a good idea. Houseplants that need care are probably out too. Maybe a tree or a rosebush planted outside that requires little care would work if she likes such things. Mother’s gave gifts like these send the message: “Hey mom, you don’t have enough to do. Taking care of the pets and watering the plants will keep you from getting bored around the house while I am at school!” We all know that eventually, she’ll be responsible for taking care of them!

HINT: Flowers are ok, as long as they are given together with something else. Given by themselves they just reveal that you thought about a Mother’s Day gift for the 5 minutes it took to put it on your dad’s credit card.

IOU Coupons and Homemade Gifts
Offering free housecleaning, dishwashing or to walk the is nice. But shouldn’t dad and the youth be doing these things once in a while for mom anyway? Anyway, when was the last time a mom successfully redeemed a coupon for these services. Life’s busy schedule always seems to get in the way. And somehow the redemption always seems to be requested at the busiest times. Homemade gifts are just as risky. Moms usually treasure the thought when you are really young, and they may stay on the shelf for public display, long after you have grown up and left home. But as your grow older, homemade gifts will be fussed over and displayed for a while, but them placed in a drawer and forgotten unless they are really well done. And this includes anything that has “#1 Mom” written on it. They are great for yard sales, but every other mom has one just like it.

HINT: Personalise gifts when you can, but be very careful with picture frames, homemade jewelry, and arts and crafts.

Things Mom Needs
There are always things that Mom’s need. A new towel, sheets for the bed, diaper bags, craft supplies. The list is never ending. But Mom’s deserve something SPECIAL on Mother’s Day. If it is something she needs, save ot for another day. These kinds of things should be provided as needed anyway. And a new computer probably isn’t the best either, though she might enjoy an ipad 2. Anyway, everyone knows you want the new computer to play the latest online games and chat with your friends on facebook.

HINT: Instead of giving her something functional, get her something extravagant for mother’s day. It doesn’t have to cost a lot, it just needs to be out of the ordinary.

E-Gifts and Cards
We live in the internet age, but Mom’s won’t find virtual gifts very endearing. “Dear Mom, I cared enough to send you the very best e-card!” Mom likes the joy of opening a present and holding something real in her hands. This includes online games, facebook additions, computer wallpapers and emails. And you ought to be giving her digital photos on a regular basis anyway! A simple text message is even worse.

HINT: It’s always best to meet her in person and present a physical gift, even if it is your presence, rather than give her anything digital. If you want to give her something digital, why not give her that sheik new smartphone, a digital picture frame loaded with all your favorite photos or a nice new digital camera. Just make sure you are buying it for her, and not for yourself!

The Absolute WORST Mother’s Day Gift
Don’t get her anything at all, don’t do anything with her, or completely forget that today is her special day! Nothing says “I love you” like forgetting about the very special woman who spent years changing your diaper, packing your lunch and yelling at you to “clean your room” while quietly cleaning it for you while you were away at school.

HINT: Even if you have to buy her a last-minute gift, and break all the rules above, never show up empty handed on Mother’s Day!

Be sure and wish your Mom a wonderful and Blessed Mother’s Day!

Get Creative Youth Ideas: "Holiday Collection" ebook Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next Mother’s Day celebration or youth event in honor of mothers. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do with your youth in celebration of the various holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

=> Tell me more about the Holiday Collection

Things Mother Would Never Say

On Mother’s Day we take the opportunity to thank our mothers for all the advice and care they have given to us over the years, especially during our years as children and as youth. But a mother is a mother forever!

As something a little different, why not add a comment by clicking on the comment link in the box at the bottom of this post and share a real word of advice given to you by your mother.

“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
“Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery.”
“Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
“Well, if Ron’s mamma says it’s okay, that’s good enough for me.”
“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
“I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve.”
“Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”

And be sure to let your mom know you appreciate her this Sunday for Mother’s Day!

Get Creative Youth Ideas: "Holiday Collection" ebook Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next Mother’s Day celebration or youth event for mothers.  If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do for Mother’s Day and other familiar holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

=> Tell me more about the Holiday Collection

A Mother’s Day Card from Calvin and Hobbes

In a Calvin & Hobbes comic strip for Mother’s Day, Calvin is shown standing beside his
mother’s bed.

“Hey, Mom! Wake up. I made you a Mother’s Day card.”
“My, how sweet of you.” she says.
“I did it all by myself. Go ahead & read it.” Calvin responds.

So she reads it:
“I was going to buy a card with hearts of pink & red.
But then I thought I’d rather spend the money on me instead.
It’s awfully hard to buy things when one’s allowance is so small.
So I guess you’re pretty lucky I got you anything at all.
Happy Mother’s Day. There, Iíve said it. Now I’m done.
So how about getting out of bed & fixing breakfast for your son.”
Signed, “Calvin.”

“I’m deeply moved.” said his mother.
“Did you notice the part about my allowance?” He asks.

Take it to the Next Level
I sometimes wonder if our praise to God is often along the same lines?
We often fail to give to God because we are more concerned about using the money for ourselves.
I have bills to pay, kids to feed and my wife’s shopping sprees to pay for…
“I’d rather spend it on me.”
And then, we give God our praise, and worship,
but in the back of our minds we have an agenda:
“God, would you mind taking a look at my allowance?”

 

Get Creative Youth Ideas: "Holiday Collection" ebook Holiday Collection
Games and Activities in Celebration of common Holidays.

Creative Holiday Ideas has over 300 pages of ideas to help you plan your next Mother’s Day celebration or youth event in honor of mothers. If you’ve ever wondered what you’re going to do with your youth for the various holidays and how you’re going to do it, this resource is for you.

=> Tell me more about the Holiday Collection