Two boys went ice fishing. They were sitting only a few feet apart, but one boy noticed that while he was catching nothing the other boy kept catching fish every time he put the worm in the water.

So the first little boy asked the other boy, “What’s your secret?”

The other replied, ” Ma motta meep ma Morms merm!”

The first little boy couldn’t understand him and so he asked him again, ” What’s your secret?”

So the boy again replied,”Ma Motta meep Ma Morms Merm!”

The first little boy still couldn’t understand him, so he asked a third time, “What’s your secret?”

The other boy said, ” –PATOOWEE(spit)– “You gotta keep your worms warm!”

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

1. When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either
side vacant.
2. Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
3. Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
4. When smoking a fish, never inhale.
5. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.
6. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but as the cheese cools it will stick between your toes.
7. You’ll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
8. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
9. Steer clear of parks named for landfills.
10. Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
11. Effective January 1, 1999, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
12. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
13. Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
14. Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
15. You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
16. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
17. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
18. You can compress the diameter of your rolled-up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
19. Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
20. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
21. A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
22. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
23. You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
24. The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
25. Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”
26. The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
27. It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
28. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting the bells on the bears.
29. In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Author: Bruce Cochran, Backpacker

Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next Level

This 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.

Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town’s Baptist Church.

The barber’s wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, “That will be $20.” The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.

The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

“I thought $20 was high for a shave”, he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”

The expression on her face didn’t even change, expecting his comment. She responded, “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”

200 page e-book that explains everything you need to know when planning your very own object lessons. It contains 90 fully developed object lesson ideas and another 200 object lesson starter ideas based on Biblical idioms and Names / Descriptions of God.

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‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt–
I said to myself, as I only can
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie, not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Christmas Collection

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the abode
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle perched on his knee.

So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, “Now what’s the matter?”
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with soot, which fell with a shrug.
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”

“Ho-ho-ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.
Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “I’ve made you a clone.”
“A clone?” she asked, “What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit-chat.”

“This is your twin–Same hair, same eyes,
same double chin. She’ll cook, she’ll dust,
she’ll mop every mess. You’ll relax, take it easy,
watch ‘The Young & the Restless.’”
“Fantastic!” the mom cheered.
“My dream come true! I’ll shop. I’ll read.
I’ll sleep a whole night through! ”

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
“Mommy?! I’m scared…and I’m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She knows her part.”
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled and sighed, “I love you, too.”

The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.
That’s my child’s love, she’s trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
“Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
when they’ll be too old, for my cradle-song.”

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said, “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You’ll be all right.”

Christmas Collection

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets
Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
The floppies were stacked by the modem with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The files were nestled all snug in a folder
The screen saver turned on, the weather was colder.
And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse
I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.

When up from the drive there arose such a clatter
I turned to the screen to see what was the matter.
Away to the mouse I flew like a flash,
Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash…

The glow from the screen on the keyboard below
Gave an electronic luster to all my macros.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer

And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick
I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick.
More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came,
He whistled and shouted and faxed them by name.

“Now Flasher! Now Dasher! Now Raster and Bixel!
On Phosphor! On Photon! On Baudrate and Pixel!
To the top of the stack. To the top of the heap.”
Then each little reindeer made a soft beep.

As data that before the wild electrons fly,
When they meet with a node, mount to the drive,
So up to the screentop the cursors they flew
With a sleigh full of disks and databits, too.

And then in a twinkling I heard the high whine
Of a modem connecting at a baud rate so fine.
As I gazed at the screen with a puzzling frown
St. Nicholas logged on though I thought I was down.

He was dressed all in bytes from header to footer
And the words on the screen said “Don’t you reboot ‘er.”
A bundle of bits he had flung on his back
And he looked like a programmer starting his hack.

His eyes how they glazed, his hair was so scary,
His cola was jolt, not flavored with cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a GIF
And the pixels of his beard sure gave me a lift.

The stump of a routine he held tight in his code
And I knew he had made it past the last node.
He spoke not a word but looked right at me
And I saw in a flash his file was .SEA.

He self-decompressed and I watched him unfold,
Into a jolly old elf, a sight to behold.
And the whispering sound of my hard drive’s head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He went straight to his work without saying a word
And filled all the folders of this happy nerd.
And ’tis the whole truth, as the story is told,
That giving a nod up the window he scrolled,

He sprang to the serial port as if truly on fire
And away they all flew down the thin copper wire.
But I heard him exclaim as he scrolled out of sight
“Happy Christmas to All, and to all a good night.”

Author: Unknown

Christmas Collection

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‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E P A
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened”

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation
Demanding millions in over-due compensation

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz
Demanding from now on her title was Ms

And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her
Nothing that might be construed to pollute
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot

Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise
Nothing for just girls. Or just for boys
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific
No candy or sweets … they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was ecological
No baseball, no football … someone could get hurt;
Besides; playing sports exposed kids to dirt

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue
Everyone, everywhere … even you
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth …
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth”

Christmas Collection

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection

I. Though we, the “Greetor,” wish you well In our Holiday Entreaty,
We limit all your claims, Dear Friend (Herinafter called the “Greetee”).

II. We wish you dreams of Sugar Plums And dancing Christmas Lights,
But if these Fancies come to Naught You have no Vested Rights.

III. In no case shall we be at fault In Implied Claims of Fitness,
And all Writs of Depression must Be Sworn before a Witness.

IV. Although our Approbations Are Warranted full free
Of Defects in Sincerity There is no Guaranty.

V. Whenever there’s a Conflict These, our Contract Terms, will rule;
The “Greetee” then is on his own To have a Happy Yule.

VI. We hope that You, Your Kith and Kin Find Christmas Viability;
But if You don’t, note now that We Decline all Liability.

VII. So if you don’t hear Sleigh Bells ring, Or smell the fresh cut Pines,
You have, “Greetee,” Released our Firm, Successors, and Assigns.

VIII. And if Our Heartfelt Christmas Wish By Counter Claim is marred,
We may, at our Sole Option, Repossess this Christmas Card.

(C) Edward C. McManus (written in 1975 for Datamation Magazine)
Visit his blog at theJokeSmith.Wordpress.com

Christmas Collection

Get more than 200 creative ideas for planning a Youth Christmas celebration or Christmas Party party. You can immediately download my best Christmas Icebreakers, games, illustrations, Christmas activity ideas AND MUCH MORE in a useful ebook!

=> Tell me more about the Christmas Collection