- Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.
- I will try to leave the cat alone, once in a while.
- I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
- Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
- Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
- To always scoot before licking.
- Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
- January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31st: Re-live victory over the sock.
- I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
- Next time I fart I will not whimper – so that someone else gets the blame
- I will worry less about things I can’t eat and play with
- To smell more things that look interesting
- To pick more fights with shoes and pillows
- To take more opportunities to forget what I am doing and nap instead
- Pay more attention to fallen cactus to avoid owies on the walk.
- To hog the bed; stretch & spread out; hog the covers.
- Stretch out on the couch in such a way where there’s no room for peoples or the pets
- Only reserve kisses for times after making a public display of licking my butt or burping.
- Counter surf more discreetly.
- Have my way with the roll of toilet paper. Drag and decorate DIY style throughout the house. Martha Stewart would be proud.
- Greet strangers with gusto. (Notice ME!)
- Wag more, bark less.
- Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
- I will stay out of the trash, off the counters, and certainly never eat snacks from my boy’s backpack.
Tag Archives: New Year’s Resolutions
New Year’s – Resolutions or Excuses
Found these on cybersalt.org and thought they were humorous for today! While a bit funny, they are also a bit sad because I know some youth who have made similar New Year Resolutions. In fact I have made a few of these myself. We all know what we should do, but it is so easy to make excuses for ourselves.
This year, I resolve to…
- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Read less. Makes you think.
- Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
- Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Don’t have eight children at once.
- Get in a whole NEW rut!
- Start being superstitious.
- Personal goal: bring back disco.
- Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
- Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
- Don’t eat cloned meat.
- Create loose ends.
- Get more toys.
- Get further in debt.
- Don’t believe politicians.
- Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
- Stay off the International Space Station.
- Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
- Associate with even worse business clients.
- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
- Wait around for opportunity.
- Focus on the faults of others.
- Mope about my faults.
- Never make New Year’s resolutions again.