Ken’s favorite jokes and funny stories to tickle your funny bone and bring a smile to face. They also add a little life to your youth talks
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
St. Peter replied, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part – you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next LevelThis 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.
Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.
Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next LevelThis 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.
Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!
Actual quotes from federal government employee performance evaluations:
If God were writing a performance evaluation about your life what might he write?
Source: Internet Circulation
Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next LevelThis 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.
Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!
British Left Waffles on Falkland IslandsSource: Internet circulation
Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next LevelThis 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.
Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!
Dear Mr. _______:
Thank you for your letter of May 1. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following the New Year. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
New Employee
Source: Internet Circulation
Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next LevelThis 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.
Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!
One Sunday a pastor found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word, “Fool.”
Quietly and with becoming seriousness he shared the letter with the congregation and announced: “I have known many an instance of a person writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of someone signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.”
Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next LevelThis 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.
Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!
Once upon a time, there was an old man who worked all his life and saved all his money. He was a miser, he lived like a pauper, he hardly had food, but he loved his money more than just about anything else in the world.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I need my money in the afterlife. Can you promise me that you’ll do that?”
His wife was faithful, so she promised him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all his money in the casket.
When the old man died his wife gave him a proper funeral. He was laid out in a beautiful casket and his faithful wife was in the front row at the funeral parlor dressed in black, sitting beside her best friend. When the ceremony ended, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife rose from her seat and said, “Wait just a minute!”
With that, she placed a box inside the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.
The friend grabbed the wife by the arm and said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in the casket with that man, were you?’
The wife said to her friend, “Listen, I am a Christian woman and I can never lie. I promised him that I was going to put the money in his casket with him and I did.”
The friend was horrified and asked, “You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket with that man?”
The wife replied, “I sure did…I wrote him a check.”
Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next LevelThis 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.
Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next LevelThis 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.
Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!
ACTUAL PARENTAL EXCUSES received by schools
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling):
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
Icebreakers Ahead: Take It To the Next LevelThis 170 page resource not only provides 52 of the world’s most popular group icebreaker activities and games, but also includes lesson ideas and discussion questions to smoothly transition into conversations about the issues common to most groups.
Click here to find out how to get your hands on this incredible resource!